The ten minute play workshop ended last night, with the staged readings of all of the plays. More on that later – first I want to post my little ten minutes of theatrical excitement. Of course, much of the humor and movement of it is lost on paper, but it’s a play. That’s kind of the point, and I need to learn to live with that when sharing it.
Before I post, the standard Law and Order disclaimer: Although inspired by actual events, the following story is fictional, and not intended to depict any actual person or event.
Also, much of the formatting is lost in bringing this over from a Word document. Deal.
——————–
PLANTY
CHARACTERS
PAUL A computer programmer in his early to mid-thirties.
ELISE Paul’s fiancé, also in her early to mid-thirties.
SCENE
Elise and Paul’s apartment living room. The kitchen is through a door offstage. There is an eight foot tall spider palm tree in the middle of the living room. Paul is lying on the sofa, watching television.
TIME
The Tuesday evening before Thanksgiving, 2000. Elise has just come home from work.
ELISE
(Enters, with her briefcase in her hand and notices the tree.)
Hi, hon.
(She kisses Paul quickly and puts her briefcase on the floor and takes off her coat.)
I didn’t expect to see you home so early… or a tree…
PAUL
Yes. Hi. I’m just full of surprises today. (pause) Have a seat, my dear. I have to tell you something.
ELISE
(sits)
Ok.
PAUL
This morning there was this meeting at work. No one knew what it was about. The president of the company came in, thanked us for all of our hard work, then said that ‘operations were no longer sustainable given the current market conditions’ and that we would all be given six weeks severance.
ELISE
What?
PAUL
Yup. I got canned. The old dot-com bubble burst, or whatever the hell they’re calling it. Do you want a beer?
(He gets up and walks to the kitchen.)
ELISE
Yes.
(To Paul, offstage)
You know, most men bring flowers to soften up bad news. I don’t think this tree will fit in a vase on the dining room table.
(He returns with two beers, hands one to Elise, and sits.)
What are you going to do? What are we going to do?
PAUL
I’m going to drink this beer.
ELISE
Seriously. What are you going to do?
PAUL
I guess I’ll start calling my contacts next week.
ELISE
Oh my god. I just sent out the deposits for the wedding stuff, and there’s the Christmas presents… your severance is going to be gone by New Years. Don’t wait until next week.
PAUL
A lot of people are already on vacation for Thanksgiving, so I’m going to wait until Tuesday to start calling and emailing. Calm down, ok?
ELISE
Ok, ok.
(They both quietly sip their beers.)
So, this tree…
PAUL
(goes to the tree and fusses with the leaves.)
Yeah, the tree. It’s a spider palm. When I started working there, it was in my cube and it was almost dead. There was all sorts of trash and stuff in the pot. So I cleaned it out and started watering it every day and it started to grow again. Everyone thought it was cool that I reanimated the tree.
ELISE
Huh. You never mentioned it.
PAUL
After the meeting this morning, when everyone was cleaning out their desks, I asked the office manager if I could take it, and she was like, ‘whatever man, take whatever you want.’
ELISE
You couldn’t have taken a computer?
PAUL
No, but someone else figured out how to pop open the vending machine. I have eight boxes of Milk Duds in my glove compartment.
ELISE
Save those. In six weeks I may be making them into a casserole.
PAUL
There’s some Twizzlers, too. Anyway, getting home was the crazy thing. First, a bunch of us went to a bar down the street, and the office was all locked up, so I brought Planty with me.
ELISE
Planty?
PAUL
(gesturing toward the tree)
His name is Planty.
ELISE
It sounds like the beginning of joke: an unemployed computer programmer and an eight-foot tall tree walk into a bar…
PAUL
I couldn’t leave him in the car. It was cold.
ELISE
Did Planty do shots with you?
PAUL
No.
ELISE
Why didn’t you ever mention him before?
PAUL
I don’t know. I had a hard time getting him in the car. He used to have another branch.
ELISE
Aren’t you upset?
PAUL
Sort of. But it will grow back.
ELISE
I mean about your job.
PAUL
What can I say? Maybe I should have seen it coming?
ELISE
I can’t believe this. You busted your ass for that company. Now we’re going to have to put off buying a house, and… do you think we should we postpone the wedding?
PAUL
Why? It’s months away.
ELISE
What if…
(She fiddles with her engagement ring)
PAUL
What if I can’t find another job? Thanks for the vote of confidence
(Paul exits to the kitchen.)
ELISE
That’s not what I meant. What are you doing?
PAUL
(Returns with a spray bottle and begins spraying Planty’s leaves, occasionally picking off a dead leaf. He begins humming, to the tune of “Mandy” by Barry Manilow. Then, singing:)
I never realized how happy you made me, oh Planty
Well, you grew in my cube while I coded
then my job went away, oh Planty…
(continues to hum)
ELISE
Hello? We were having a conversation?
(silence, except for Paul’s humming and singing, perhaps whistling)
Do you think we should postpone the wedding?
PAUL
I said no.
ELISE
Should I return some of the Christmas presents I already bought? I could bake stuff for everyone this year.
PAUL
No need.
ELISE
Those brownies, with the chocolate chips… Ooh! Cupcakes with red and green sprinkles!
(Paul hums.)
And peanut butter cookies…
PAUL
(singing)
Oh, Planty…
(He continues to hum.)
ELISE
With milk duds instead of chocolate chunks…
(Paul is still humming)
And then I could stick the cookies to my boobs and dance at night for extra money. My stripper name will be Cookie McDud.
(silence)
PAUL
On the way to work this morning, I was thinking about asking for a raise after I finished this project. I’ve worked really hard on it, and with the wedding coming up, and buying a house… Now there isn’t going to be a raise, or a house anytime soon. The project is gone. The company is gone. I just wasted a year and half of my career – of my life – on something that is never going to exist.
ELISE
Oh. I didn’t know you were going to ask-
PAUL
And what do I have to show for it? At my age, my father had a house with a white picket fence –an honest-to-god white picket fence- two kids, and a career with the company he retired from on his sixty-fifth birthday. I’m thirty-four and I have a plant.
ELISE
Thanks.
PAUL
You know what I mean. I remember my dad being thirty-four. He would lie on the sofa at night reading the paper, and tell us to “stop that racket.” And he would drink a Budweiser while Mom cleaned up the kitchen, and ask us three times if we finished our chores. He was completely dad at thirty-four. He was the man.
ELISE
So, what, you’re not a man? Then who have I been shacking up with for the past five ye
ars?
PAUL
You’re making fun of me.
ELISE
I’m sorry. This is all just a little overwhelming. What are you going to do?
(Silence. Paul continues grooming Planty, at times on his hands and knees, picking around in the dirt and wiping spots off of the pot. And humming, of course.)
God, I might was well be having a conversation with the plant.
(To Planty)
Planty, would you please tell Paul that it’s really annoying when he drops a bomb like this, then shuts me out?
PAUL
Hey, don’t drag him into this.
ELISE
Maybe you’ll listen to Planty.
PAUL
Planty, would you please tell Elise that I don’t want to talk to her when she makes fun of me… Planty, did I ever tell you that I was offered a job at Microsoft after graduation, but the girl I was engaged to said she would break up with me if I moved to Seattle?
ELISE
(to Planty)
I don’t know about you, Planty, but I’ve heard that one a million freaking times. It has nothing to do with what’s happening now.
(Some of the spray directed at Planty’s leaves hits Elise’s face.)
Hey! Watch it with that thing!
PAUL
(to Planty)
She broke up with me anyway. By then, the job was gone. Now it’s just you and me, Planty.
ELISE
What am I, plant food? Planty, would you please tell Paul that he could have more of a life if he wanted it. I was ready for a house and kids years ago, but he insisted on waiting…
PAUL
Well, excuse me for wanting to wait until I have a stable career before making major investments.
ELISE
You mean, you use your career as an excuse for waiting to make major investments. So life isn’t turning out the way you planned. Get on with it already. Grow up.
PAUL
Don’t tell me what to do.
ELISE
I wouldn’t, if you would just do something.
(Paul sprays her in the face, this time deliberately.)
Stop it!
(Elise grabs her beer, and goes after him with it. A wild fight of beer and water ensues. Elise pulls away from Paul and breaks her beer bottle against a table. She grabs Planty with her other hand and points the broken bottle at him.)
PAUL
Planty!
ELISE
One move and the plant gets it.
PAUL
No! Don’t!
ELISE
It’s me or the plant. I’m tired of coming in second place, to the life you could have had in your head, and now to a plant.
PAUL
Let go! Have some sympathy.
(Elise begins dragging Planty toward the door.)
Where are you going?
ELISE
I’m leaving. And I’m taking Planty with me. He’s… he’s a good listener. And strong. I understand what you see in him.
PAUL
But what would I do without you?
(silence)
ELISE
You would be fine. You would find another job, and you wouldn’t have to worry about me making fun of you anymore.
PAUL
But you’re so good at it.
ELISE
What?
PAUL
How else would I know when I’m ridiculous? If you didn’t make fun of me sometimes I’d never get out of my own head. Hell, I’d never leave the house. I would spend all day talking to plants.
ELISE
You mean you don’t think I’m crazy?
PAUL
(eyeing Planty)
Not usually.
ELISE
(releasing Planty)
We should clean up this mess.
(They both begin picking up pieces of broken glass.)
I am really sorry you lost your job.
PAUL
Me too. But I’ll figure out what to do next.
