It takes me a while to figure some things out about myself, but on the whole, I do ok. I get wrapped into obsessive thought patterns from time to time, but I usually figure them out before any real damage is done. I obsess about my hair when I’m mad at my father, I obsess about going back to school when I feel like a failure in some other part of my life, I obsess about musical instruments when I feel old. Tada. It’s not really interesting to anyone but me, but the point is, I usually get the association after a little while, and it keeps me out of trouble.
So, here’s one I can’t figure out: as much as I am enjoying the teacher training, and as much as I am learning and growing, I’ve been nauseated for a month, and it gets worse during and after time in the studios. Yesterday I went to a meeting at Midtown, and my midsection was leaping for the whole two hours. I was afraid I wasn’t going to make it home without getting sick. An hour and a half after I got home, I was eating tater tots, watching football, and feeling fine. Today I did my workstudy shift, and I was queasy straight through. The only respite was mowing through some ginger snaps. I’ve been home for forty-five minutes, and I’m much improved, but like most nights for the past month, I’ll be sleeping propped up for fear of indigestion. In the midst of all of this, I’m paranoid about getting the ick that’s been going around, which means washing my hands a dozen times during a shift. There’s this almost constant nawing at the top of my stomach -or at the great divide to get all energetic about it- and I can’t help but think that is significant. I am 99% sure that this is all in my head, and I don’t think it’s all just my paranoid phobia of barfing. I think my paranoid phobia is totally out of control as a result of whatever the hell is happening here.
There’s an idea that nausea without physical cause is a sign of rejection of an idea. I did a little meditating on that, had one idea about it, made peace with it, and on I went. But here I am. What IS this? What about my life am I rejecting?
