It’s been a month since my great and powerful nearly year-long frenzy of activity closed. It was exhilarating to have that weight lifted from me, but taking away a big weight leaves everything else out of balance. It’s been a hell of a month. Everything has been so close to the surface. With the frenzy behind me and no big commitments on the horizon, here is what I have learned:
1. Life is glorious, amazing, poetic, and beautiful. People may think I’m crazy for being so excited about it, but it beats the alternative. No going back to sleep.
2. Chronic busyness forces the status quo. There is so much we can justifiably ignore when we’re really, really busy. It’s a form of denial. Being too busy to bring full attention to all the stuff of life that isn’t quite right ultimately makes a big mess, but stillness really fucks shit up.
3. I really fucked some shit up this month.
4. While money can’t buy happiness, it can buy iPhones and hot yellow heels, which are extremely enjoyable.
5. I am not the best writer, but I have to write. I probably will never again be the big fish in the small pond, the way I was when I was younger. I miss the validation, but I can learn to live without it.
6. Everyone wants to be known. And accepted. And this causes a lot of disappointment.
7. But, I think most of the time we assume we’re not known and accepted because we don’t really know ourselves, or we’re too busy shoving down all the stuff that is too icky, weird, or difficult to accept or acknowledge. This sounds so corny, but really, it’s like leaving half the ingredients out of your best recipe, and complaining that no one appreciates your cooking.
8. Even when I know I am being absolutely ridiculous, having an old friend tell me I am being absolutely ridiculous is helpful.
9. I am embarrassed by every word I write sometimes (a lot of the time, lately), and afraid of people judging me for it. But, see numbers 5, 6, and 7.
10. We teach what we have to learn. I am going to be a hell of a teacher.
