This evening I walked out my front door and the breeze on my shoulder almost made me cry. What the hell am I going to do if things get better? Despite all the junk of the past month, despite multiple ego bruisings, despite getting my feelings stepped on, despite a number of things not going the way I might have liked, a nice breeze nearly has me undone – in a good way.
There was a time in my life, lots of times, when I felt like I was hanging on to my sanity by a hair, when I wondered how in the hell I would get by if even one more thing went wrong. I was fragile and devastated. I guess I still am, but it is the fragile and devastated on the other side of the spectrum, maybe sensitive and awed?
It occurred to me tonight that by thinking that I might not be able to handle it if life gets better, I could very well be limiting myself. So, enough of of that. The only bummer is that I am kind of lonely. Maybe I haven’t hit that fabled point at which people want to be around me because of this love of life, or maybe there is something I haven’t figured out yet, but is it really too extravagant to want to enjoy life with people who also enjoy life this much? Being known would be nice, too. Other than Scott, I can’t say I really have felt known in a long, long time, probably since I was a kid. And the thing is, once I click “publish” on this entry, I don’t have any secrets, either.
