Class

This morning I sat in my car in the lot of the JCC, wondering how I was going to teach. I was feeling kind of broken, like I just couldn’t quite get my head right and under control. Around and around I went, knowing full well that the stories I was telling myself weren’t serving me; since they weren’t anything I could reasonably share they would do nothing but pull me out of the world. I tried to remind myself of my own wisdom from over the weekend, that it is just as sacred an act to be willing to be known as it is to be willing to know and accept others. So, please, just let go of the things that separate me from the world, the secret little mental building projects that put walls between me and the rest of the world. Just focus, I reminded myself. Just get here for seventy-five minutes and teach.

I considered crying, but it wasn’t in me. I turned up the heat in the car and quietly did my usual pre-class meditation. When I got into the room, I didn’t know what I was going to teach. I just started teaching. It was a tough class – nine of the fourteen people in attendance marched in during centering at the beginning. Someone got locked out. Toward the end, I was sure I had lost people. Getting into sivasana was bumpy; it was hard to get everyone quiet. Finally, the class ended. One woman told me it was exactly what she needed. A few others told me it was so intense and wonderful. There were compliments all around. One student congratulated me on having a following.

I am not sure exactly what it was that I showed them. It was hard class for all of us. Those are the good ones.