Teaching has been a little bumpy lately. For the past few weeks, I have been feeling simultaneously like I absolutely must teach more, and, in the hours before a class, like I absolutely can not teach at all.
I usually have an idea of what I am going to teach a week at a time, and sequence the class in my head while driving to the studio (almost 50 minutes to Midtown this morning – plenty of time). Recently, I have been getting anxious the nights before I teach, and during the drive I just can not seem to get myself to focus on the class. Fridays are especially difficult, when I know I will be teaching twice.
This morning I was having the usual distraction and anxiety. I started wondering what the hell this is all about, and decided to follow my own advice. Steady breaths. Watch the thoughts. And… oh. It’s not teaching. It is letting go of all of these lovely distractions for a couple of hours that is stirring up the anxiety.
Anxiety about letting go of the stories is nothing new. I know that over the years I spent plenty of time thinking about the worst because I did not want to be blindsided and made to look like a fool when it (maybe) happened. That is an old pattern. What is new is the fear that if I stop thinking about something, it will go away, or it will change. My brain has been so busy lately with all sorts of wonderful ideas, thoughts, and stories, and I have had this sense of being in a big transition for much of this year, that letting go for a couple of hours just suddenly became sort of terrifying. It feels like I am breaking up with my thoughts.
And so, I come to another level of understanding about the practice, and about the mind. I have always understood the concept of fear that letting go of the negative stories would send life spinning out of control, as if thinking through the worst would somehow keep it from happening. But, the fear that comes along with letting go of the exciting, interesting and enticing is so much more consuming and generates way more anxiety when it is unchecked. Yes, yes, pleasure can be a trap, but now I really get it.
Realizing this did not completely erase the anxiety, but it helped a lot. I taught well this morning. Instead of the usual line about leaving the stories at the door, I asked the question: What thoughts are you afraid not to have?
RSS