Awaiting Further Instructions

The original plan was to go to a really wonderful sounding yoga thing tonight. I paid for it, and had every intention of going. As I was getting ready to leave, I got this feeling. The feeling. All of the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. My back and shoulders got bumpy. “What IS this?” I said to no one. On the way downtown, the feeling persisted. Back, neck, shoulders, all one big hair standing on end. I thought about going home, and instead called Scott to make sure he was ok. He was fine.

Every so often I get a pang of anxiety before going somewhere – usually on a long car trip, but occasionally for more mundane stuff – and I won’t be sure whether it is anxiety or intuition talking. So, I have a script that I run through with myself, and 99.99% of the time it goes like this:

If you don’t want to go, make the decision. Don’t go.
Ok. I’m not going.
Do you feel relieved?
No. I feel stupid.
Then go.
Ok, I’m going.

I have done this so many times over the years that I shorthand it now in my head:

Decide. Not going. Relieved? Stupid. Go. K.

But, every so often, I have the conversation and I do feel relieved and I skip whatever it is. This was different, though. It was a physical sensation that I didn’t really recognize, then I heard it, clear as day: Lauren, go home. I got off of 83 at Northern Parkway to turn around, and heard it again. “Take Falls Road.” I got out of the lane for 83 and took Falls Road home, feeling like kind of a nutcase. So, what was I supposed to do, I wondered, go home and await further instructions? Is this when the mothership arrives? I expected to come home and find the house on fire or one of the animals dead. Or the mothership waiting. But, I am home, and everything seems ok. I called to check in with my mom and she is fine.

I am not sure if this is a “something’s wrong” ick or some other kind of ick. Actually, I am not certain that it is an ick at all. I am just sitting here, feeling quite a bit weird, and awaiting further instructions, I guess. Maybe it just was not my night for a yoga and meditation experience, or maybe I would have gotten mugged or broken my foot or something if I had gone, or maybe it was the combination of green tea and Fritos for dinner. Or, maybe I am a nutcase… but I don’t think so. I know better; I have learned to trust these things, however strange they may seem.