Regrets Only

“Have regrets. They are fuel. On the page they flare into desire.”

I read this quote today and it stopped me mid-page. It is the exact opposite of how I have lived my life until now and surprised me with how deeply it resonated.

Benches near the Lyric.

When I was a teenager, I decided that my goal was to live life without regrets, to the extent that is possible. So far, I have been successful. I have only three regrets and they are minor, all instances in which I should have treated people a little better than I did. I have taken plenty of  risks in my life, emotional and otherwise, and above all, I know that harping on the past is pointless. As far as living up to my own noble standard, I have done well.

At the same time, as I turned this quote over in my head all afternoon, it occurred to me that if at thirty-five I have only a few very minor things worth regretting, something is wrong. I took all those risks because I knew that if I did not I would regret it, but they were always calculated risks. Moving across the country by myself for a job: I wasn’t crazy about the job, it was not my career path, and if it sucked, I could always move back. Getting divorced: undeniably painful, but I was young and had a gigantic safety net. Quitting my job and moving across the country (again) with Scott: I did not like my job anyway, and Scott offered me everything in the world, and I could always move back if it didn’t work out. Baring my soul on the internets: what is the worst that could happen – people might think I suck? Heck, that’s life.

People tell me I’m brave, but all of those actions -even the soul baring, to some extent- were really based on fear, fear that I would regret it if I didn’t act. It was all very calculated. Looking back, I understand the subtext. Deciding to live my life without regrets meant taking some risks, on the surface at least, but it also meant that I guaranteed myself never having anything to lose. The universe is funny that way.

So, my new year’s resolution for the year starting February 24, is to fuck up, to have some regrets. No, that’s not quite right, I don’t actually want to have regrets and fuck up (like there really are such things). Rather, my resolution is to do some things worth fucking up and regretting. Living without regret has served me well for the first thirty-five years. Now it is time to let go and just live, let the fuel flare where it will.