Lauren Flax

New (and brave) for me today was taking the two b-list animals to the vet at the same time, by myself. And by “b” list, I do not mean second rate. I mean “bonkers.” And “batshit crazy.” And “bad.” And “boy, do I need a nap.”

So, for your reading pleasure, here is how to take a nervous cat and a spastic dog to the vet at the same time, in 31 easy steps!

1. Bring cat and dog carriers upstairs from the basement early in the day, so that the nervous cat and spastic dog can get accustomed to seeing them out, thereby avoiding undue stress at the time of departure.

2. Clean up the kitchen full of dog pee that results from the excitement of seeing the cat and dog carriers.

3. Go about your business for the day. Make a mental note to pick up disinfecting wipes.

4. About twenty minutes before leaving for the appointment, begin the process of getting the cat into the carrier, anticipating that it may take a few tries, and giving the cat some time to settle before getting in the car. Utilize the cat-scruffing skills you gained in hundreds of hours of shelter volunteer work, in which you successfully moved scared, unknown cats from one cage to the next, sometimes in and out of cardboard boxes, with barely a scratch.

5. Peel the cat off the chair. Marvel at your abilities to thoroughly mollify every cat except your own.

6. Peel the cat off the chair.

7. Peel the cat off the chair.

8. Once the cat is safely in the carrier, get a picture of her scowling at you. For evidence. Later.

9. The dog will be excited by this turn of events. Firmly instruct him to stay away from the bag of nervous cat.

10. Max, DOWN.

11. DUDE, GET YOUR NOSE OUT OF HER ASS.

12. Take the cat out to the car.

13. Turn the air conditioning up high to make her comfortable, and return to the house to get the dog.

14. Realize that you won’t be able to lock the house with the keys in the car.

15. Go back to the car. Take the house key off the keyring, go back to get the dog.

16. Determine that putting the dog in a carrier for a .8 mile trip is silly, and put the harness on the dog, instead.

17. Put the harness on the dog the right way.

18. Take the dog out to the car, locking the door on the way out.

19. Put the house key back on the keyring, to be sure you don’t lose it, or forget it later.

20. Once in the car, realize you’ve forgotten your wallet and phone.

21. Take the key back off the ring.

22. Firmly instruct the dog to “stay” as you go back to the house to retrieve the forgotten items.

23. Return to find the dog standing on the cat.

24. Tell the dog to get down.

25. Tell the dog to get down.

26. MAX, DOWN.

27. Put the house key back on the ring and drive to the vet’s office.

28. Park close enough to the office that simultaneously walking a spastic dog and carrying a bag full of cat running around in circles causes only minor injury.

29. Once in the vet’s office, you’ll have help managing both animals, except for that time they leave you by yourself for ten minutes trying to hang onto a cat who wants to be anywhere in the world other than on a table, and a dog who wants nothing more in this world than to eat the litterbox brought in for the cat.

30. Try not to laugh when the vet staff compliments you on your extremely calm and well behaved dog, and sweet, gentle cat.

31. When the appointment is over, try to time your departure with the arrival of a woman who will speak to every animal in the office with an extremely high, squeaky, and loud voice, while you are getting detailed instructions about the care of your animals.

32. Return to your car with spastic dog who is now hopped up on vaccines, bag of dervish cat, and $379 fewer dollars.

33. Go home and celebrate by washing your hands six times. You’ve just taken a nervous cat and spastic dog to the vet!