And that, my friends, is how dog poop got on my laptop while I was typing.

*WAIT. That just reminded me of an idea I had years and years ago – a porn version of The Incredible Hulk. “Don’t make me horny. You wouldn’t like me when I’m horny.” That was hilarious after a couple of pitchers and some jaegermeister.

Still, the day was productive. I taught a class, picked up some Matthew’s Pizza for my dad and Sandy, ran a couple of other errands, did some work, made dinner, made a cake and a pie for tomorrow night’s Flaxfest, and then suddenly it was eight o’clock. This is what alarms me about going back to work away from my house full time. How the hell is all of this shit going to get done, not to mention writing, writers’ association stuff, teaching, a yoga practice for myself, and maybe, possibly, the 500 hour training, and/or grad school one day? I had the same worry when I went back to work full time after we moved back from the midwest, but there was a lot less that I wanted to do then.

I was feeling a little overwhelmed by it all, and took a break for a very long, very hot shower. In the shower, I realized two things: 1) with my hair this short I could become a night shower person for the first time in my adult life, and 2) as I was lamenting all of the things that might need to be put on hold, I heard the voice, clear as water, that said “DON’T WAIT. NOW NOW NOW.”

In other news, vanity. I bought the reading glasses, in anticipation of much, much reading during the weeks of Christmas and New Years. Here they are, and I should note that this picture was taken with my hair all whacked out from teaching, no makeup, and at a point at which I was not entirely certain when I had last showered, and also I may have been wearing the same clothes for three days in a row. (My house is cold. Sometimes this happens in winter – find something super warm and stick with it.) So, it turns out that my vanity is such that I expect people to care what I think about day to day, and also about my shoes and reading glasses, but not so great that I would, for example, wait until after I wasn’t disgusting to take a picture of myself for all the internet to see. I should add, this was the picture I snapped just before I completely cracked myself up at how ridiculous I looked taking pictures of myself staring down my nose through reading glasses, like I was about to administer some form of discipline. Now, now, now, boys and girls, Miss Lauren will NOT be disobeyed.

Yesterday I became thoroughly enraged by a woman’s ass. I encountered her and her ass several times during my trip to Whole Foods. She was wearing a dress that I don’t think was meant to be a dress (I believe the intended purpose was a sweater vest.), showing a great deal of big fake cleavage, and teetering atop giant shoes that did not particularly fit her.

[Lauren gets up from the couch, puts on her own giant power shoes just because they do fit, I CAN walk in them, and there is lots to do this afternoon.]

Thing is, she had a great figure, but I can say with certainty that her figure was not clad with underwear. Now, I am all for not wearing underwear, but my understanding of the whole concept of not wearing underwear under clingy clothing is that one forgoes underwear so as to avoid the impropriety of displaying evidence of one’s underwear preference in the form of visible panty lines, whale tales, etc. While risque, it is its own form of modesty. Forgoing underwear so that one can wear a dress so tight as to… well, forget the flowery language. I could see her ass crack through the dress. And possibly a dimple or two. And rather than indifference or empathy, I got really fucking mad at her ass. What can I say, it was 5:00 on a Monday, the store was ridiculously busy, and I was getting surly-hungry.

Other tribulations at Whole Foods: a woman nearly threw her kid into my cart, and another woman, who also seemed to follow me, went from one of the store to the other, and all the way through the check out, talking exclusively and constantly about the centerpieces for her wedding. Barf.

Bikram Pros:
1. Sweaty!
2. Nice arm workout, even without arm balances and downward dog.
3. Generally, a blanced practice for the body.
4. Getting yelled at is sort of an incentive not to cheat.
5. Yes, all of the benefits of doing the same practice every time.
6. Postures are done twice, so there is more room for exploration in a single class.

Bikram Cons:
1. The smell. Oh, the smell. I thought Bikram studios had a reputation for being fastidiously maintained precisely because of the copious sweating and secreting people do during practice. Maybe this one is an exception, but the lobby and bathrooms smelled like a kennel, and the studio itself was just plain rank. For crying out loud, I teach hot yoga and worked at a studio, so I know how it gets sometimes, but this was nasty.
2. Bright lighting and mirrors. It really sucks in sivasana. And I don’t need to see my fat rolls under flourescent lights.
3. Speaking of sivasana, the mini sivasanas between the seated poses are annoying. I get why they’re in the sequence, but I didn’t like it.
4. The rigidity of the practice. I know my body better than the teacher does, and sometimes I just need to modify, dammit. It’s only in two postures, but I would much rather make a minor modification than just stand or sit there.
5. I don’t find being singled out at all motivating.
6. Really, the smell. I have showered, eaten, and been outside since class, and I can still smell it.

I came out of the practice feeling more drained than energized. I am not sure if it is the practice, or that this is the time of year when a hot practice starts to feel lousy, but it is the first time I can remember that a yoga practice left me completely drained for the rest of the day. (I nodded off in the parking lot at Whole Foods. If there hadn’t been some one giving out samples of fruit juice in the produce department, I might not have made it through my shopping trip.)

Still, I want to give it another try. The lights, the militaristic approach – I can deal with all of that. I just don’t know if can put up with the smell for another two hours. I think my issue is more with the studio than the practice. I am also aggravated by the fact that because they use the same scheduling software that CCY uses, I can tell from their website that they clearly don’t understand how to properly update the teacher listings on the public schedule. That may annoy me more than the smell.

The lingering gastritis (from back in December) had me on Prilosec for several weeks, and then Aciphex for the past month. The Prilosec sort of worked and the Aciphex REALLY works, but not without having just about every non-fatal side effect available. The excessive gas and weight gain have been particularly noteworthy. The fine print might as well read: Warning! Some users may become profoundly unattractive as a result of taking Aciphex. Please consult your physician if symptoms last longer than aaaah! Could you maybe just read this in the dark? And light a match while you’re at it.

Anyway, the pound a week weight gain has really pissed me off. Despite tripling my physical activity (and them some) and getting my diet right back where it should be, I’m still gaining. I thought I was done with weight loss mode, but alas, here I find myself in weight loss mode just to keep it to a pound a week. It sucks, and I am hoping that once I get off this stuff maybe I’ll get some retroactive benefits of all of the weight loss behavior. Also, complaining to the internet has to make this better. It just has to. Otherwise, why would so many people do it?

So, as of yesterday, my dose has been halved, and in another couple of weeks (pounds?) I hope to halve it again and shortly thereafter be completely free of it. In the mean time, COMPLAINT.

In related news, last night Scott and I heard an add for an allergy medication with the most awesome side effect information ever. “Extended use of [whatever] may cause dry mouth, strange taste, dizzyness… and so on.” Does that mean if I take this stuff for allergies, I may start wearing polka dots and plaid together? Or develop a strong urge to put Elvis wallpaper in my bathroom? Now, those are some side effects I could handle.

*pun intended.

I was thinking about this today, and realized that I couldn’t remember what year I started doing this, but somewhere along the way, I totally lost a January 1 – April 19 of some age.

So, if I were to get back a January 1 – April 19, which one would I take?

January 1 – April 19, 2008, Age 32
Overview: Living here, working at the studio, tired all the time because of the weird hours.
Highlights: We live in Baltimore!
Lowlights: My job wasn’t a great fit and I couldn’t decide what kind of change to make, or how, or when.
Verdict: I’ve had better.

January 1 – April 19, 2007, Age 31
Overview: Living in Silver Spring, making the decision to move to Baltimore.
Highlights: Fun job, looking for houses is exciting.
Lowlights: That persistent smell in the bathroom.
Verdict: Eh, I’ve had better.

January 1 – April 19, 2006, Age 30
Overview: Living in Silver Spring, Scott was in a job he hated, we never saw each other.
Highlights: I had a fun job.
Lowlights: Scott hated his job, we never saw each other, we were broke.
Verdict: I’ll pass.

January 1 – April 19, 2005, Age 29
Overview: Living in Oswego, making the decision to move back east.
Highlights: I could spend unlimited time futzing around the house and cooking, and I got down to my goal weight.
Lowlights: Downsizing our house and our income, and moving to an exponentially more expensive area.
Verdict: I’ll take a pass on this one, too. That moving process sucked.

January 1 – April 19, 2004, Age 28
Overview: Living in Minneapolis, getting ready to move to Illinois.
Highlights: Minneapolis is awesome, I don’t have to work, and those generic cereals from Cub Foods – yum. And looking for houses is exciting!
Lowlights: Scott was away five days a week.
Verdict: Not bad, although I missed Scott.

January 1 – April 19, 2003, Age 27
Overview: Moved into my own apartment in Plymouth Meeting after ending my marriage, starting a relationship with Scott.
Highlights: Scott and I got together.
Lowlights: Everything else.
Verdict: The first months after divorce? No way.

January 1 – April 19, 2002, Age 26
Overview: My grandmother died and I start to realize I don’t want to be married.
Highlights: Just the ones growing out of my hair.
Lowlights: The whole damn year.
Veridct: Fuck no.

January 1 – April 19, 2001, Age 25
Overview: Dan and I are living together and my parents are newly separated.
Highlights: Dan and I have a ridiculous amount of fun together.
Lowlights: I am still keeping the secret of my parents’ separation. Zoloft.
Verdict: Meh. Family drama. No thanks.

January 1 – April 19, 2000, Age 24
Overview: Living in St. Louis, campaign fundraising, subsisting on pizza hut pizza, diet coke, and pudding snacks.
Highlights: Absolutely the greatest new years ever.
Lowlights: Dr. Batman.
Verdict: No. Just no.

January 1 – April 19, 1999, Age 23
Overview: Moved from State College to DC for a job in April.
Highlights: Early in the year, dating John, which was great. Got to hang out with Joel and Eric in DC, and hear about Joel’s first date with his wife. Moved from one awesome apartment to another.
Lowlights: Driving a Uhaul from State College to my parents’ house in the middle of the night to drop off extra furniture, finally getting to a hotel outside of DC around 4am. Relationship with John fizzled.
Verdict: Who knows what the hell they’re doing at 23? Not bad, but nah.

January 1 – April 19, 1998, Age 22
Overview: Last semester of college, newly single, waiting to hear from graduate schools.
Highlights: Getting into my first choice graduate program.
Lowlights: Recovering from a breakup, and that first choice graduate program provided almost no financial aid.
Verdict: Sort of an awkward, limbo time, but gee, college was fun.

January 1 – April 19, 1997, Age 21
Overview: I’m fat and fed up with my roomates.
Highlights: My tolerance is AWESOME.
Lowlights: Buying bigger shorts on the first warm day of the year.
Verdict: I think I had a lot of fun getting fat, but I can’t remember.

January 1 – April 19, 1996, Age 20
Overview: On the tail end of the exhilaration of transferring to PSU and joining the fraternity.
Highlights: All the shit I can’t remember. And football.
Lowlights: All the shit that everyone else remembers. And that sunburn on spring break.
Verdict: This was a pretty fun time. Excepting the week of spring break, definitely a contender.

January 1 – April 19, 1995, Age 19
Overview: Second semester sophomore year at BU, recovering from a lousy breakup, evil roommate.
Highlights: Cute Latin professor.
Lowlights: Having to move out of my dorm because of my evil roommate.
Verdict: This was a plain old rotten time. No.

January 1 – April 19, 1994, Age 18
Overview: Second semester freshman year at BU. I’m a grownup!
Highlights: Sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
Lowlights: Some personal choices of which I was not particularly proud.
Verdict: A fun time, but stressful (see above). Probably not.

January 1 – April 19, 1993, Age 17
Overview: I’m a second semester senior. Wooooooo! I’ve already gotten into Pitt, which sounds like lots of fun. Waiting to hear from other schools.
Highlights: Late nights at IHOP with the boys, and dating a nice, older guy who smelled good and convinced me to apply to BU.
Lowlights: The nice guy moved to St. Thomas. I spent some time pining and whining. Trigonometry.
Verdict: While I have no desire to relive my teens, this one is a contender.

January 1 – April 19, 1992, Age 16
Overview: Junior year, dating a nice boy, doing junior year stuff.
Highlights: I wrote some really funny things in my journal.
Lowlights: I’ve had my license for almost a year but I’m not driving because I’m afraid to get behind the wheel with either of my parents in the car.
Verdict: As far as teenage times go, a nice time, but there is a reason we continue to have nightmares about high school as adults.

January 1 – April 19, 1991, Age 15
Overview: I have alienated my friends, I’m mad at the world, my grandfather and grandmother are seriously ill.
Highlights: I’ve come to realize that purple is a very good color on me.
Lowlights: My grandmother almost died, my grandfather is dying, I hate everything.
Verdict: NO.

January 1 – April 19, 1990, Age 14
Overview: We move from Yardley to Cheltenham.
Highlights: My newly acquired friends in Yardley throw me a surprise going away party, and I find friends
easily in Cheltenham. (I still have a debt of gratitude to Heather Stamm.)
Lowlights: It took me five fucking years to find friends in Yardley, and then we moved.
Verdict: Not on your life.

January 1 – April 19, 1987-1989, Ages 11-13
Overview: Junior high. These years are automatically disqualified.

January 1 – April 19, 1986, Age 10
Overview: 5th grade, last year of elementary school, first year in Yardley.
Highlights: I was the student of the month in February (most creative).
Lowlights: I’m bigger than all the other girls, and my hair sucks.
Verdict: I might as well append this year to junior high.

January 1 – April 19, 1985, Age 9
Overview: Second half of fourth grade in Princeton. I probably don’t know that we’re moving to Yardley yet.
Highlights: I have a best friend, and we do nine year old stuff together.
Lowlights: I know what fat is, and I have heard it is me.
Verdict: Probably the frontrunner.

January 1 – April 19, 1984, Age 8
Overview: Third grade. I’m still getting used to Princeton, but I’ve made some friends.
Highlights: I have friends, and I get to hang out with Douglas.
Lowlights: I talk about Baltimore all the time, so I guess I still miss it, not to mention the Colts are stolen away to Indianapolis, making my parents very sad. My ankles hurt a lot, and I think the movers lost a box of my sweaters.
Verdict: Awkward. No.

Prior to third grade I can’t really remember what I was doing at a particular time of year. The move to Princeton was pivotal; most childhood events before it blend together in a nice happy haze.

The Finalists:
28, 20, 17, 9

17 was kind of cool, but I really wouldn’t want an extra three and a half months of high school. In fact, I sometimes wonder why I never carried on with my plan to graduate early. So that’s out.

Another three and half months of 20 might have been really fun, and who couldn’t use more fun? But I don’t know, if I had much more fun in college I would still be on antibiotics.

28 was interesting and it would have been nice to get three and half more months in Minneapolis, but that whole time was a limbo time, and I think I’ve had enough of that in my life.

So that leaves me with 9. I would not want a full three and a half months of it, but nine is pretty cool. Just old enough to start appreciating adult things like real friendships and conversations, but not awkward and hormonal yet.

Conclusion:
I am the happiest person I know, but this has been a somewhat dreary exercise. The one striking conclusion I have reached is that a great deal of my fun happens between April 20 and December 31 of most years! I can think of a few moments in some of those happier years that I would like to extend, and there are some memories I return to time and again, but a full three and half months would be too much. I like now, and I am glad that it got here when it did.

*Morning sickness doesn’t count, because it’s not contagious and miracle of life and all that business.

So, first of all, 36 no longer holds any kind of novelty. And second of all, gross. Third, seriously, gross.

Like so many things in life, this is something that was conceptually brilliant over beers in my twenties, but has proven later in life to be just plain disgusting. See also: professional wrestling, luge shots, musicians in college towns.